The 1 Invaluable Life-Changing Tool You Need: From A Dog 🐶

Convulsing, spitting, shaking, he nearly gives himself a heart attack. Daily. And his response to fear represents a HUGE lesson:

It’s heartbreaking, but Bella, a precious pug, was mauled by a larger dog as a pup.

Completely fine 12 years later, the real, sustained injury from this event lives in Bear (Bella’s brother).

EVERY TIME we go for a walk (they are temporary additions to my family, while a friend travels), when Bear sees a larger dog, he launches full force (leashed) in the other dog’s direction.

Without fail, 2-3 times a walk (3-4 times a day) these sweet, loving pugs turn reactive out of pure fear.

And while nothing comes of it, Bear creates such immense inner turmoil and agitation, it takes substantial time for him and those with him to calm down.

A vivid example, can you relate to Bear’s overwhelming and debilitating fear-based response? Even slightly?

Unfortunately, we can all be like Bear:

Predicting the worst, defending against it even if it doesn’t unfold, and in the meantime, giving ourselves major agita.

So how do we stop it?

How do we not let our brains (prediction machines that predict the worst) have us take a dive off the deep-end based on a previous experience, disturbing our own equanimity - our own inner ease and peace (and likely activating others)?

It starts with awareness, and a simple pause.

That pause between the stimulus (whatever activates us) and our response is THE KEY to a new response - and thus a different result, creating a WHOLE NEW REALITY. It also builds greater emotional intelligence.

Do you find you get triggered too readily? Too often? Do others on your team get activated without awareness? Habituating that pause, and embracing the power of mindfulness is critical.

I’ve had a blast bringing these tools to organizations and sharing them with our Calm & Connect community.

Part of a team or have friends or contacts that would benefit from these tools? With August being Mental Health Awareness Month, it’s never been a better time to embrace these tools.

Let's connect.

Stop Unconsciously Filtering Your World

As many of you might know, I am a fiend… FIEND for growth and learning. At any given moment I have no less than 10 books in my virtual shopping cart and 10 BEGGING to be read in all corners of my home (seriously, I swear some look at me with pleading eyes).

A few weeks ago, I got to immerse myself in a 4-day (12hrs each day!) training, designed to teach me more about the brain and how to rewire unwanted, debilitating, and devitalizing beliefs and behaviors at the deepest levels. I learned quite a bit and was reminded of other essential, quite frankly, mind blowing facts. So, as you can imagine, I wanted to share a few precious gems and takeaways with you.

“When you give up reasons and excuses, you start getting results.” -Dr. Matt James, Empowerment, Inc. 

Throughout my twenties, I had reasons. Reasons why I couldn't have what I wanted. I was successful by societal standards, but I was unhappy and wildly disconnected from myself and my most authentic, greater goals. 

Then… something happened which altered my perspective on life and a deep tectonic shift occurred within me.

I started to look at - and quite frankly - approach life differently. I started giving up reasons, and I got extraordinary results. Immediately, my life shifted dramatically, and I made huge pivots many called courageous, but for me, they were purely requisite. 

As I continue my practice of giving up reason after reason, massive opportunities for growth continue to reveal themselves almost daily in my business, my leadership, my relationships, and my life. And the rewards, well they are never ending. 

Our mind at any given time takes in 2,000,000 bits of information, but we only consciously process 126 bits.

I had heard this once before, but I don’t think it stuck as strongly as it did a few weeks ago. Perhaps it’s because I am more familiar with something called the RAS – our Reticular Activating Systems. In layman’s terms it is a system in our brain which tells our conscious mind what bits to process on the conscious level.

For example: You’re like my sister in her 20’s and decide you’d love a red BMW. Suddenly you see red BMWs EVERYWHERE. Or you’re like my mother, and you decide you want to try out Pilates, and suddenly it’s as though your city has turned into a Pilates haven. That desire plants a seed within the RAS, guiding your conscious mind towards which 126 bits it should process. 

Envision 2 million toothpicks falling from the sky and you are reaching for the 126 bright green ones.

Why does this matter?

Have you ever been on a trip and to one person it is the most beautiful or exciting place, but to another, it’s dirty and/or miserable? Take New York City for example. To many it’s the most exciting city in the world, filled with fascinating people, events and conversations. For others it’s dirty, rude, and cramped. Like any place, it, in many ways, can be BOTH. But through the RAS one’s experience and what they SEE and what they EXPERIENCE is dramatically influenced by the 126 bits the RAS points the conscious mind to “pick up.”

Our Brain Does Not Process Negatives.

Why does this matter? Have you ever told someone private information and specifically said “don’t tell anyone” only to find out that information somehow slipped from their lips? Unfortunately, what their unconscious brain processes is “tell others.”  When we re-language our words to align with what we want, we get a different result. “Don’t tell anyone” can easily be re-languaged to, “I know (or am grateful) you will keep this between us, and I wanted to share it with you.” Now you have not only empowered and made that person feel special, but you have planted the seed that “they will keep it sacred.”

Furthermore, in reflection, what I love about this is: while it is essential to reflect on and know what we don’t want, we really should spend more time speaking about, and reflecting on what we do want. Too often we spend so much time and mental energy on the “don’t want,” we limit our engagement and visioning of what it is that we do want. It’s as though we point our focus in the direction we want to avoid, instead of focusing our attention, where we want to go.

In truth, it can be hard to know where we should point that focus. However it's far harder, long term to never get there, and find yourself always looking behind.

You want to rewire old habits and beliefs? You must work with the unconscious.

I often quote Carl Jung who said, “until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” So much of the work I do is about cultivating awareness so that we can bring greater (awareness) to the unconscious drivers of our lives. But this weekend, I learned more about the stats.

To clarify, our subconscious mind is the reservoir of thoughts, beliefs and feelings that operate beneath the conscious. Think of an iceberg. The conscious mind is 5 percent (max) above the surface of the water, while really, what’s holding everything up (and driving our lives) is the 95 percent beneath the surface: that subconscious reservoir.

What’s more is that the subconscious mind is largely programmed by the time you are 7 years old. Ever wonder why you sometimes feel like your internal 7-year-old is throwing a temper tantrum or running your life? Until you make the unconscious conscious, this part of your brain will direct your life and you will feel as though you have no real control over your actions.

Quite honestly, it’s one of the reasons Mindfulness is so extraordinarily powerful. It enables us to bring to light the unconscious thoughts, behaviors, and drivers of our lives so that we can shift them to align with our greatest goals and desires.

So, give up your excuses, adjust your language to be specific with what you want (for yourself and others) and create the opportunity to allow what you WANT to come into your conscious awareness to step forward. Start making the unconscious, conscious. Simple right?

Re-writing your brain, making the unconscious conscious and ceasing the pattern of accepting excuses can feel like a lot to tackle on your own. I’d love to help! Whether for you - or your organization - reach out and let’s start you on your journey today.

A Leadership Lesson From An Unlikely Source

Last weekend I re-learned a pivotal leadership and life lesson… ALWAYS keep your gaze on the horizon.

Recently, I’ve felt an urge to reacquaint myself with horses. As a child, at a poorly managed dude ranch, one horse bucked me off, another tried to roll (with me on his back!), and the kicker? One bit me in the nose so badly they nearly air lifted me out. I have since learned that horses cannot see you when you stand directly in front, and so the nip was out of poor sight and lack of awareness… A fact that would have been nice 25 years ago.

That said, I know how intelligent and loving these animals can be, let alone how much they can teach us, if we are willing to learn. So, this weekend, I began my journey at Routt County Horse Rescue ready to reacquaint myself with these gentle giants.

After diving into the basics of how to brush, how to saddle, walk and ultimately ride a horse, Skywalker (aptly named) reminded me of a pivotal life and leadership lesson: when you focus a mere two feet in front, that’s as far as you will go.

Let me clarify. 

I was instructed to guide him in circles around posts in a pen. Sitting atop, my directives were clear: first on on how to hold and steer the reins, and second, most importantly: always set your sights on the horizon ahead, never look down, or at the posts; if you look at the posts, the horse will walk directly TO the post, and not around.

Multiple times, Skywalker and I walked directly into the posts. 

It was shocking to observe that no matter how far I steered him away to the post, how in tune he remained with something so little as my gaze, especially as I was seated on top of him.

It’s easy to look at the shortest and closest destination, and overlook – or forget, the bigger picture. We can get mired in the details or wrapped up in a moment, and lose sight of the end goal. 

How many times have you gotten wrapped up in a particular circumstance, argument or even person, and forgotten the bigger picture?

In business, we can get so hyper focused on a particular deal or event that if it does not unfold as we hope, it can destroy morale and shake us off our path.

Recently, one client wound himself so tightly around a single “huge deal” that when it didn’t come to fruition he arrived to our call understandably, enormously defeated, and even questioned his company’s potential.  After stepping back and fully assessing both the deal and his company’s mission, he realized this opportunity was one amongst thousands and another, more aligned opportunity was likely a better use of his time and energy.

Within weeks he identified 5 new deals and landed the dream contract for his company and team.

It’s easy to get caught up on the post. Metaphorically, that post can feel like it is THE thing we can control or manage, but by hyper-focusing on one element, we limit our reach. When we look up towards the horizon, we rebound quicker and begin to recognize that the opportunities and potential are often boundless.

What's your current post and what’s the horizon?

How to Access Your Brain's Sweet Spot

Originally Published on Forbes.com

We've all been there. Deadlines looming, the to-do list stacked as high as your brand-new stand-up desk, with your kids, parents, and/or spouse hovering in the doorway, barging in on your train of thought, hijacking the few precious moments you set aside to eke out any productivity and meet that critical deadline.

Sound familiar?

Times are different than they were a year ago. There is no denying that. And wanting things to go "back to normal" isn't solving the problems: If anything, it is only creating a greater delta and divide between sanity and overwhelm.

So, in the midst of crazy, how do we keep from going insane? How do we ensure that we meet deadlines? And not just scratch them off the never-ending list, but strike through them with a proud internal smile?

The answer you seek is in the workings of the brain.

A few years back, through BeAbove Leadership with Ann Betz and Ursula Pottinger, I learned about the incredible nature of the stress curve. Developed and researched by Yale Professor Amy Arnsten, she likens our prefrontal cortex (the key part responsible for executive functions, such as critical thinking, reasoning, organization, and decision making) to Goldilocks. Just as Goldilocks needed her porridge to be "just right," our Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) requires everything to be "just right" for our neurons to communicate efficiently, enabling them to function optimally.

Essentially, the model states that our productivity is directly correlated to the amount of stress in our lives. Too little stress (and thus a shortage of hormones and chemicals) has us, or our Goldilocks PFC, feeling lethargic, with often hazy or cloudy minds, as though we are groping around in a fog. In those moments, we'd often rather sit down and wait for the haze to clear.

On the other end of the bell curve is too much stress (also stated as an abundance of chemicals), which has a similar impact, but can feel like a tornado with a myriad of moving parts. We don't know which to grab or what to attack first. Comparable to the "too little" scenario, "too much" results in a blurred mental state, without clear perception and seeing.

While many leaders feel we need stress to drive us forward, too much undermines our ability to think clearly and see the full picture, to make decisions that positively impact the now and the long-term. That is why leaders must strive to find and live in the "just right" spot of the curve. That's the sweet spot.

I've been spending time observing my own bell curve, aware that different times and circumstances also impact my access to that "just right sweet spot." And while there may be a general "sweet spot," it's further affected by how I sleep, how I eat, if I have gotten exercise, and so much more.

The good news: With enough awareness, we can make changes that can impact our brain's chemistry.

The awareness that chaos or boredom is just a temporary state of the brain is a critical first step. That awareness, seeing it and observing it, creates just enough distance to offer clarity and insight. At that moment, you are no longer the brain's chemicals gone awry, but a detached observer. That awareness, also known as mindfulness, is a critical asset.

This awareness now puts you in an empowered, action-oriented place: You are no longer held hostage by the chemicals in the brain. Next, you get to do something to create even more space: Take a few breaths.

The brain, which is 2% of our body weight, requires at least 20% of our oxygen. And according to Harvard studies, it demands 50% of our glucose energy to run. Your brain, which feeds on O2, gets energized and nourished by a few deep hits (more is better, but a few is a phenomenal start). Those breaths also shut down the sympathetic nervous system, largely responsible for that chemical flood.

Finally, after those few deep breaths — or better yet, ten minutes outside to physically distance yourself and get perspective — you choose a new action.

When it comes to overwhelm, a new perspective and distance can be enough to move forward. At the same time, they enable you to find creative ways to delegate, manage, or set parameters that slow the deluge of chemicals.

When you are taken or held hostage by the overwhelm of chemicals, it can feel as though there is not a second, nor space, for a few breaths, let alone ten minutes. However, I promise, the proverbial doorways and new pathways those breaths enable, the opportunities they create, and the shifts they catalyze are far more effective, productive, and fruitful than the alternative. Slogging forward, shutting down, or yelling at the figures looming in your doorway are the least effective approaches.

Leadership is not exclusive to the company listed on your LinkedIn profile or your direct reports. Your children, loved ones, neighbors, and friends watch, mimic, and respond to your actions and energy. Leadership is how we choose to live, respond to, learn from, and lead our lives at every and any moment. And as you take those moments to manage and find your "sweet spot," others will learn to do the same. That is leadership.

Catapult Your Leadership Now: 5 Reasons Why Mindfulness Is The Mother Of All Leadership Skills

Originally published on Forbes.com

Each year billions of dollars are spent on developing professional women. There are scores of trainings on how to better communicate, be more agile, how to listen, be a better mentor, more creative, less reactive, visionary… the list drones on. 

It's enough to make one's head spin. 

The skillsets needed today are unlike those championed decades ago: a new era of Leadership is not only emerging but compulsory. No longer will we (or do we) celebrate and promote the dictatorial, hard-ass leader who generates their power in threats and aggressive backlashes.

Instead, the visionary, the strategic thinker, the listener and the collaborator, the female executive who weighs the balance of short-term gain with long term needs rises to the fore. The woman who understands that as they lead, their decisions impact a greater whole, namely the communities to which they are connected, is followed. And while all these skills can be taught, there is one practice that underlies all. The secret, The Mother of accelerators, if you will: Mindfulness.  

As defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mindfulness is “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally."

Meditation is one of the most powerful ways to foster Mindfulness. Contrary to popular misconception, Meditation is not about clearing the mind. 

The nature of the mind is to wander, to have thoughts. No matter how often you meditate, the mind will wander, and thoughts will surface: it's what the mind does, even if you are the Dalai Lama. The power lies in training a new response to, and awareness of, the wandering. 

Meditation is equal parts about habituation the mind back to the present moment, as it is, noticing when, and to where, the mind wanders and with compassion (nonjudgmentally), bringing it back to the present moment. These essential aspects of the practice serve as the backbone to nearly every Leadership skill women need to thrive.

Here's a peek at why Mindfulness is the Mother of all Leadership Skills.

1. Mindfulness Fosters Intentionality. In Meditation, the exercise is to habituate the mind back to the present moment, or back to an object of focus, again, and again, and again. That training builds the neuro muscle so that when our mind wanders or when our attention gets jerked away, in life and the boardroom, we can more easily refocus. In meetings, it's natural to get caught up in our thoughts, critical points, or the impending presentation, detracting from fully hearing emerging specifics that might require a change in approach. This fostering of intentionality enables us to be with what is, instead of what we "think" is present. 
   

2. Mindfulness Mitigates Reactive Tendencies – Reactive tendencies are significant inhibitors of effective Leadership. Some leaders lash out, others shut down, while some "go along to get along." When we react, it is as though our brains have been yanked into a state of fear or anger, undermining our ability to respond thoughtfully. When we have developed the skill to notice, without judgment but with discernment, where our mind is, and the state it is in, we are more likely to pause. That pause enables us to respond purposefully and intentionally chose the next best course of action. Ultimately, that pause not only influences the response, but also how it is delivered. As the adage goes, often, "it's not only what you say, but how you say it."
   

3. Mindfulness Cultivates Creativity: as we step out of our reactive tendencies, often propelled by anxiety and fear, it opens up space to create and innovate. Studies show that when fear and anxiety override the brain, it's as though it's an orchestra gone wrong, you can only hear the out of tune violin and trombone. It's nearly impossible to hear anything else, never mind allow creative insight to arise. Meditation not only enables us to acknowledge our reactive desires and choose a different action or focus, but it also allows us to hear the rest of the symphony and the space between the notes. It is always in that space that insight arises.
   

4. Mindfulness Facilitates Broader Perspective: As the practice becomes more habitual, it inherently builds greater awareness. The act of noticing that the mind has wandered, without judgment, but with full awareness, enables access to more information about ourselves, our tendencies, and the present moment. This expanded perspective in turn fosters enhanced discernment. As researched by the leading thought leaders of The Leadership Circle, core Leadership Competencies of Strategic Focus and Systems Thinker require these skills.
   

5. Mindfulness increases Emotional Intelligence (EI or EQ): The previous school of thought was that there was no room for emotions in the workspace. Now, research and case studies show that EQ is critical for great Leadership. Meditation increases EQ through enhancing the ability to pause and check-in before choosing a response, as well as through the development of consistent, nonjudgmental awareness. Both of these skills foster EQ's key components, including Self-Awareness, Empathy, Self-Regulation & Social Aptitude. fMRI scans of the brain further support this claim, as these scans show that Meditation directly increases the activity in areas of the brain related to Empathy and Compassion (EQ).

Through a surge in research, including Harvard Studies,  we now know that with only eight weeks, Meditation can rewire and build areas of the brain not just related to empathy and compassion, but also to memory and learning, and rewire areas related to stress. But just like the gym, it is a practice that needs consistency. A response is often "I don't have the time," but it can start with a mere minute. Though the benefits are extensive in the leadership realm, a mindful practice impacts all spheres of life. Mindfulness truly is The Mother, the great support, the compassionate listener, the teacher of all critical Leadership, and ultimately life, skills. You can't afford not to take the time.